Miscommunication is Communication!

What is miscommunication?  We hear it all the time, but what is it?  Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as “failure to communicate clearly.”  Who defines clearly?  Some other sites define it as “failure to communicate adequately.”  Who defines adequately?  I hear clients say, as a response to the question of why they are seeking therapy, that they need help with communication.  Interestingly, I am usually communicating with them in the process!  I asked a question, they answered, I translated in our shared language, etc.  My response is usually something like, “it doesn’t sound like you need help communicating, it sounds like you need help translating, interpreting, accepting the possibility of not always getting what you want and working through disagreement… maybe even help with mutual decision making and clarifying your definition of relationships?”

Needless to say, this usually catches people off guard.  It seems to me that, as a culture, we have begun to use the word “miscommunication” in place of communication, conversation turn taking and working through differing world views and values.  There seems to be a trend toward entering into counseling to improve communication with the hope that the partner will “hear” the counselor repeat the message they have been trying to “communicate” and suddenly “understand.”

Working through differing translation, interpretation, values and world views is not easy.  It takes a lot of communication, for sure, to sit in the thickness of disagreement, to truly participate in mutual decision making- taking the time to understand your partner’s personality, allow them to have different values than yourself -accepting the possibility of not always getting what you want in order for your partner to sometimes get what they want.  It is tremendously wearing to attempt to stand in the shoes of your partner, attempt as best possible to see the world through their lens, allow them to be a person independent of you with opposing opinions.  Most of us, however, are perfectly capable of communicating.  The real question, then, is not whether or not you are capable of communication but whether or not we are willing to take the time and effort to communicate, and that miscommunication is often the most rewarding kind of communication!