Your reality is not really reality… it’s all in your head!

I am so confused (but not really) about how people communicate in relationships!  I say this because, as a therapist, a pattern that shows up often on the counseling couch with couples (and in my own marriage if I’m being honest) is one person telling their experience to their partner and the partner responding almost immediately (sometimes without even allowing the thought to be completed)  with “no.”  Usually the “no” is followed by “that’s not right” or “that’s not how it happened at all” or “that’s your interpretation… it’s all in your head!”  I can tell you that this is rarely received well by the partner telling their experience.  You might as well say to your partner, “your reality is not reality… it’s all in your head!”  You might as well say, “you’re lying, you’re stupid, you’re crazy.”  This is why I’m confused about why this happens, but not confused about how this happens.

The truth is that your partners reality is all in their head… their experience, their interpretation of whatever is being said or happening, is the only reality they can know, and it really is all in their head… just like your experience (or your interpretation of it) is your reality and, therefore, all in your head!  From my perspective, both parties are telling the truth (based on their interpretation… which is influenced by their personality and world view).

Maybe a more important question is, why do partners begin to doubt each other in intimate relationships?  Why do they start to believe that their partner has motivations or intentions of being untruthful, dishonest, mean, cruel and controlling with them… purposefully harming them in some way?  My thought is that partners do this to each other once the relationship passes the honeymoon phase.  Following the phase in relationships that includes probing questions and a desire to get to know your new partner comes the phase where it would just be easier if your partner saw the world the same way you do.  I refer to this as moving from the podium of understanding to the podium of judgement.  I don’t know that it’s purposeful… maybe just natural… the human tendency to take the path of least resistance?  If you can convince your partner that they are wrong, you get your way?  If you can convince your partner that they are crazy, you don’t have to enter into a turn taking conversation with them based on a stated disagreement… and possibly not get your way?

So how do we work through these difficult situations in relationships?  With direct, honest communication of course.  But it is communication that is causing the problem in the first place!  No wonder it’s so confusing?!?

So here is my advice.  Work on (all of us… everyone… including you reading this) always approaching communication with your partner from the perspective of “their thoughts, feelings, emotions, behavior, world view… interpretation… is JUST AS VALID AS MINE.”

Healthy communication suggests that you need to enter conversations with your intimate partners truly believing (not just saying) that their perspective (no matter how dissimilar from yours) is important and valid and valuable.  If you enter conversations this way as often as possible, communication will take time, include lots of exchanges and require a ton of patience for the possibility that you may or may not get your way.  This will hopefully reduce or eliminate the desire to ever tell your partner, “your reality is not really reality… it’s all in your head!